and now Simon has died too
2010
I guess it’s an indication of the great security and privilege with which we live, that this weekend – with the death of our dear, dear, dear doggles – has been the saddest in our lives. Neither Julian nor I – let alone Abby – have experienced such loss.
After talking with Mum, we decided not to bury Toph or Simon in the garden here in Melbourne. Honestly, it doesn’t much feel like our home, and this is the very garden that poisoned them. So Mum is contributing to having our darling Toph and Simon cremated. Our vet Hugh is speaking with the crematorium folk – we would like them cremated together – and we will have their ashes in a box. We may keep some of them with us always, but will also scatter a goodly proportion of them, if not all, over Mum’s beautiful tropical garden at home in Brisbane. That way, they will be part of a garden they so loved, first came home to, and grew up in – and Lucy (Simon’s sister and a great lover of Toph) will be there with them.
We took Toph up to the vet’s this morning – and there was Hugh with very sad news. Simon had really taken a turn for the worse. After soldiering on since Wednesday with such fortitude, this morning, his poor little body just couldn’t take any more of the toxins that were continuing to build. He couldn’t even stand to greet us – and yet! that tail of his just kept on wagging. His breathing was laboured, his eyes were beginning to roll back and glaze over, and his back legs were twitching uncontrollably.
We had taken up he and Toph’s quilt to wrap him in, and a bowl of Vita Brits and milk – their favourite breakfast. The poor dear couldn’t even bear to look at the food, but was very happy to be wrapped in the quilt and cuddled on our laps. We all had a lovely long cuddle, reminding Simon how much we loved him, what a beautiful, happy and wonderful dog he was and told all of the funny stories about he and Lucy and Toph that we could remember. He watched us carefully as we spoke, his tail wagging. We buried our faces in his lovely woolly curls and kissed him plenty.
We also showed him Toph’s body. That may sound macabre and goodness knows what he made of it. He certainly sniffed her face carefully and gave her a little lick. We wanted to let him know that she was there with him. That she had not made it home, whilst he was left there to die by himself.
After last night’s great sadness, we decided against bringing Simon home. Hugh felt that the seizures were not far away and once the drip was removed, Simon would sink quickly – quickly enough to be dreadfully sick, but who knew how long he would survive and what the quality of this time would be. Frankly, as I walk about the house, every corner and space is etched into my mind as part of Toph’s very sad last few hours. The corners where she initially lay as she convulsed whilst we held the damp towel over her, stroked her head and spoke gently to her. The furniture she bumped into as she made her way about, putting that long Dachshund nose of hers to good use. The sofa where we lay and held her for the last few hours as she slept. I’m so glad that I don’t have these memories of Simon.
As Hugh said, if Simon was human, he would be in intensive care with constant monitoring and many drips and drains. So, we sat there in the little vet hospital and farewelled our beloved furry brother with as much love as it feels our hearts have. Simon was warm, secure, as comfortable as possible and the people he loved most in the world were there with him. Eventually, his bowels gave out and we knew it was time.
Whilst Julian held him close and I stroked his head and ears, Hugh injected the bung in his paw with the going-to-sleep-medicine. It seemed to hurt as it began to flow into his vein. He cried gently a few times. But we continued to hold and kiss him and within moments, his body relaxed, the trembling stopped and his beautiful spirit left this world. Do you know, his tail wagged right to the last moment. And as his head lolled forward, his little pink tongue slipped out and there was the wee missing triangle that Lucy bit out whilst they were pups.
Oh our hearts just shattered on the floor right there in the vets. I am filled with a freezing cold heavy emptiness. There’s this big hole in our little family now and it seems as if we have lost not just a bit of our Queenslanderness, but part of who we are.
We lay him gently in the hut, next to Toph, made our final kisses and farewells, and left our dear doggles for the last time. As I said in the beginning, the grief we are able to feel for two little dogs is testament to the good fortune with which we live, but as we left, I truly felt the words of W. H. Auden when he demands to stop all the clocks …
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
I see their shadows everywhere in the house. I hear their little snorts and snores and wuffles. I drop crumbs and leave them there, knowing how much Toph will enjoy pouncing on them and gobbling them up. I hug the patchwork cushion on the sofa, that Simon insisted on flattening every night to sleep on, to my chest, not caring for a second that the colours are dulled by his dear dirty self. We always joked that Simon’s colour rubbed off!
Yes it’s over now. The horror of the last few days – that two dogs that were so healthy and hale could be struck so quickly and viciously by a tiny toxin to small to see – is over. The dogs are no longer struggling. When I said to Abby that Toph and Simon were peaceful now she retorted passionately – “They were VERY peaceful when they were snuggled on the kitchen armchair!” That’s true darling girl, but it was not meant to be. Their collars are on the table, next to a small jar of camellias and beeswax candles. Their beds are still made up. Their quilt is washed and hanging out to dry. We have treasure chests of wonderful memories. Hard drives full of photos.
Hugh – with decades of country and city vet experience – is certain that Toph and Simon were not maliciously poisoned. He says you see a lot of that in the country where people have access to a vast stockpile of toxic chemicals, but that in the city, in 20 years, he has only treated one case, and it was after a year of raging, aggression and nasty property attacks between two households of far less than salubrious sorts. All that country experience has taught him that our fauna can play nasty tricks. Farmers can lose several animals in one field that they have farmed for decades and all it takes is one small shrub that has sprung up in an unobserved corner. Hugh’s going to come over later in the week and take a walk around the back garden. He’ll collect samples from the suspicious looking plants (we have a small plastic bag with a dried vomit sample) and give them to his friend the Botanist at the University of Melbourne and maybe we will get some answers.
None of these things will ever make up for losing Simon and Toph so tragically. But they – and time – will go someway to easing this sorrow and emptiness. I just want to hit edit undo.
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Oh this is too too sad, it just breaks my heart to see the pictures of two happy doggies. I have no words, there is no way to make it better, but I send {{hugs}} and {{warm thoughts}}
deb xx
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, never commenting, but I must comment now. I’ve cried my way through your recent posts, hoping and praying that your dear doggies would get better. I am so very, very sorry.
oh you poor, poor, poor things. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I am so sorry. So very sorry and sending much love to you all xxx
I have no words, so I am sending big hugs your way…and lots of xoxoxo
I lost a treasured friend today
The little dog who used to lay
Her gentle head upon my knee
And shared her silent thoughts with me.
She’ll come no longer to my call
Retrieve no more her favourite ball
A voice far greater than my own
Has called her to his golden throne.
Although my eyes are filled with tears
I thank him for the happy years
He let her spend down here with me
And for her love and loyalty.
When it is time for me to go
And join her there, this much I know
I shall not fear the transient dark
For she will greet me with a bark.
Author Unknown
I am deeply saddened for your loss. Your not alone!!!
Mica from The Child’s Paper
http://thechildspaper.blogspot.com/2008/03/our-beloved-companion-friend.html
Your 2 doggles could not be more loved and that is so worth celebrating. Closure will be so hard for you three as you will miss the constant attention Toph and Simon showered upon you. As they left you they were still enveloped in the love and warmth that was their life with you. What a lucky pair they were! I am sure Lucy knows something as she has moped around all day and come each time I call to her. Something rare for Lucy! The dynamic trio may be no more but Lucy will love you just as much when you come to stay and the smells of you three will be what she remembers when you leave. Toph never seemed to catch that doggy smell of her favourite older twosome. Take care my darlings!
My heart is aching for you, Julian and Abby. I am so very sorry to read such sad news of your fur babies. I too am sending you hugs.
My thoughts go out to the three of you. There are not enough words to help you in this sad time. I am sending you all hugs too and understanding of your lose – I lost my best doggie friend this way too.
my heart is breaking along with yours, only 2 weeks after losing my own dog I am still so empty and sad, this is simply awful,it is such a waste of 2 beautiful friends,
Sue
xx0xx0
There have been tears shed in our house for you and yours tonight.
My thoughts and prayers are being sent to you. What has happened is just terrible and finding the right words to say is difficult. Looking at all of their photos just shows how much you loved the pair and they loved you too. Sending hugs across the internet.
So sorry for your double loss
Oh, no. I am so sad for all of you.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Very sorry for your loss. It is heartbeaking.
Dear, dear Lily, Abby and Julian, I am so sorry for this terrible loss to your family.
Absolutely no words for the heart pain that I feel for your family – wishing all my strength and spirit across the miles into a hug as you deal with the passing of these beautiful friends
hand to heart ~
lots and lots of *hugs* from the other side of the planet. I’m so so sorry.
So, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you all.
I was soldiering on until the Auden quote. Cue the tears. Having lost my own dear sweet pup 2.5 years ago I so understand. The way these little fur balls wriggle their way into your heart is unbelievable. So sorry for you and Abby and Julian. I wish you warmth and light.
I’m so sorry. It’s hard to lose such a special part of your family.
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. Warm hugs and thoughts go out to you.
Oh no~ I’m so sorry. I can only imagine the emptiness you are all feeling. My heart and hands reach across the miles to give you comfort.
Oh Lily, I´m so very very sorry for your loss! I am crying here as I read the text. It is so hard! I am thinking of you!!!
I’m so sorry to hear the news, and wish I could do something to ease your grief. Thank you for sharing your memories and photos of Simon & Toph with us all, they were such wonderful, happy, loving doggies.
I am *so* saddened by your post. Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of both your precious pets. They really do worm themselves into our hearts, don’t they? :-)
For your peace of mind, I hope that you are able to discover the source of the poisoning … if only to get rid of it so nothing like this happens to another animal.
((( hugs )))
I just came back from holiday and have been reading your latest posts with tears in my eyes. My heart goes out to you – it is just such a sad, sad loss! Two beautiful and much loved dogs, and family members. I can’t begin to understand how you must feel, but I really feel for you. And I hope you find out what caused it.
(((Hugs)))
Oh my heart is so heavy for you..I can’t imagine the grief your family is experiencing from losing both your pups… I hope you eventually find out what it was that poisined them and that the days and months ahead give you peace and acceptance. ((hugs))
There just aren’t words…. Our pups are members of our family as were yours. To lose them is an unimaginable and unbearable pain…. I am crying with you, knowing how deep your family’s grief runs…. I will keep you in my heart….
We are verry sorry for you. We know how special they were. Lots of love, Hazel, P2, P3 and Charlie.
I am in tears again…..soooo sad.
Sincere condolences on the loss of 2 precious family members.
You have written wonderful tributes to Toph and Simon.
I love the photo of Toph and Simon sitting together on the mat and looking out the door.
Take care ((hugs))
I am so sorry – I just don’t know what to say. The rainbow bridge has two more puppies playing on the other side and you couldn’t have done any more than you did. [[[hugs]]]
I’m so sorry for your great loss. It’s now evident to me too that my life has been pretty good so far b/c I cannot imagine the depth of the hurt you’re going through right now. I could not imagine losing my babies. Reading these posts and weeping with you…my evening came to a complete halt. Please know that you’re in my heart and thoughts.
Awww… I can feel your pain from your post… I could actually see them running around when you described them… I ‘m so sorry for your loss… I was crying throughout the past 2 posts… I REALLY wished they could have made it… *hugs* take care
I cannot add anything to what is and has been said. I mourn for you and know that it will be a long hard road…but, sometime on that road you will look up and see the sun and the beauty and find comfort. Those huge spirits within such small beings will always be with you, and I know that you know they were and are so grateful to be such a loving center of your dear family.
It is such a huge blessing to have such loving souls in your life. If we could only be as true, joyful, patient and loving as they were.
Sending love to all.
Dear Kylie, Julian and Abbey, life can be at times so sad it feels impossible to bear. Make a picture board of your darlings so you look at them each day and thank goodness you have each other and friends to help you through this difficult time. Have left a message on your voicemail and if you are not up for a visitor, I totally understand. all my love, cate XXXXX
Oh Lily– I just got home from a weekend away to hear of your sad news. How awful. and to not know what caused Toph and Simon to get so sick!. I know that sharing this news will help you grieve. Know that love comes to you and Abby and Julien from all around the world and our hearts share your heaviness. This too shall pass but for now let the tears flow. Tissues and love will arrive to help.
I am so sorry for you. I can’t find the words.
Oh Lily — I am so sorry to read about your dreadful ordeal and the loss of both your dogs. Your beautiful photos show how completely Simon and Toph were interwoven in every part of your family life. I hope that relief from such heavy sorrow is not too far into the future. Take care.
I have no words. I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for being with them as they passed, I worked in a vet clinic and my heart broke for our patients that passed on without loved ones near. Maybe this poem can give you a tiny bit of comfort:
The Rainbow Bridge
inspired by a Norse legend
By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.
They were beautiful dogs.
As with Toph I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. . . .I lost my beloved Bogart almost 2 years ago so I completely understand what you are going through.
Hugs from across the seas. . . .and tears as well in understanding.
My heart goes out to you and your family. What a terrible loss. I cried reading your posts. Hugs from here.
So, so sad for your beloved pets’ anguish and suffering over the past few days–and yours as you watched and hoped and then lost them to the poison. You will always miss them, but they knew they were loved till the very end. Your photos and memories remain to comfort you, and they will be together.
In time may the wonderful memories of your time with Simon and Toph bring you some comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with you all xxx
Dear family what a sad weekend we have had, let us hope that we do not have another one like this. We know that they are all in a peaceful and happy place and not hurting anymore – unfortunately that does not stop us from hurting as we miss them. In time the sadness will fade and we will remember the fun times – my love goes out to you all. Auntie Anne XXX OOO
I’m heart broken for you and the family. I can’t even begin to understand the grief you must feel. Your poor sweet children. I’m just so sorry. What a horrible thing to undergo. I adore my dog so much. I can’t imagine, I just can’t imagine how you must be dealing with it. I’m sorry…….
Lily, oh dear Lily, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Know that my thoughts are with you and your family. This is so heart breaking. I’m sending all of you the most enormous hugs. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do.
Hugs from my family to yours. I have long enjoyed your blog and now I feel your pain. Your words are eloquent and I cannot stop crying as I read them. I still miss my girl Shadow and it has been over a year. I hope that you can soon smile with the memories.
What horrible news! I feel for every one of you, and I can only say that I am very, very sorry for you. The worst part of being a vet, is when we can’t help but can only offer sympathetic words. Hold on to all of your good memories, and let the sad ones go. my thoughts are with you.
I’ve been away, and just read your posts of the past week. I’m crying as I write this, and am so sorry for your pain. My dogs are precious to me, and I can only imagine how you hurt. I’m so sad for you.
Oh, Lily, how hard to lose them both, it must seem overwhelming. My heart is with you and your family. May beautiful memories stitch up the grief.