I am Lily - stitcher and part time bookseller. Mother to my gorgeous girl, Abigail and wife to Julian. I make time each day to let my imagination potter and add quirky prettiness and handmade comfort to our home and lives. You can email me at lily(at)blockaday(dot)com
love
can there be more words needed than these …
I don’t think so. This week, more than ever, I find myself reading and re-reading these words, absorbing them, then doing my best to imbue my words and actions with such love.
Actually, I lie. I do have more words. At the risk of turning this space into a wee bit of a pulpit, I’d like to share something I learnt about expressing and modelling love through my words. Must add at this point, this is something I still work on. I fail regularly, but think about it daily and hope that I am improving with age :-)
A few years ago I sought advice from a paediatric psychologist on how to help Abby deal with anxiety. She was often nervous and negative about the smallest of things. The psychologist asked me to think about how I spoke when with Abby. “Oh!” I exclaimed, “I try really hard to be sensible and calm. To praise in a constructive manner. To discuss things with her in a positive and interested way. I try hard to be patient and loving always. Sometimes I fail, you know, but all parents sometimes fail.”
“No,” said the psychologist, “I asked how you spoke when WITH Abby.” I didn’t get it. Surely I’d just answered her.
“What do you say when a person does something that annoys you in the traffic?”
“Oh,” I said, “Ahm, well I probably comment on their recklessness and stupidity and am irritated by it.”
“What do you say when you see someone you don’t like wearing something you think looks dreadful?”
“Ahm, I probably make some kind of silly comment.”
“Do you talk about family members or friends who have done something that really bugs you and have a little rant and rave about how ridiculous they are being?”
“Yeeeeeees. Sometimes.”
“What do you say about people in the news who you disagree with?”
The psychologist had so many examples of how I could be modelling super critical, judgemental, derisive, and negative behaviour in front of Abby. It had never occurred to me. I was dumbstruck. I was aghast. I was trying so hard to be a good parent. The teetering stack of parenting books beside my bed surely testified to this. And yet, Abby was understanding from my daily behaviour - especially my words - that there are many people and instances out there that are bad, that hurt us, and that the way to respond to these is negatively. And almost worse, to a child’s mind, that this negativity would not only apply to friends, family and strangers but also, eventually, her. My homework that week was to cut back on the criticism and look for opportunities to praise others.
Because it is not just how we treat our children that teaches them how to interact with the world, but the way we treat those around us. This is an essential part of being a parent that I had failed to learn. I was so busy looking inwards to my little family that I forgot to show my child to love that which is beyond our front door. There is simply no need to dwell on the irritating, the stupid, or the “wrong”. This was reinforced for me years later when I took part in a Buddhist workshop on “Negative Feelings”. Boy what a lot of energy and time we waste without even thinking! The more we do it, the more cranky, frustrated and sad we are. And the more we are encouraging our children to live this way.
Love - even though I am believe in Facta non Verba, I still think words are incredibly powerful. How we use them has a profound influence on those around us - and whether they choose love or intolerance.
So I’m remembering to choose love when using my words - let us fill our words with love’s patience, kindness, hope and faith.
p.s. the dark smudges on the applique are where Toph walked across it in order to reach the acorns on the window sill. As dogs do. What! Your dog doesn’t climb the furniture and walls to eat your belongings? huh! [deep breath]
17 February, 2010 at 6:06 am
Lots to think on…
Thank you for sharing, I don’t think that I ever thought about it that way, but it seems so true.
17 February, 2010 at 2:21 pm
I just finished reading a wonderful book “Simplicity Parenting” and many points resonated with me. But the one that struck me the most was about what we say in front of our children. His advice was before we speak ask yourself three questions; Is it true? Is it kind? Does it need to be said at all?
All three of these questions now hang on our fridge! A powerful reminder for us all.
17 February, 2010 at 3:06 pm
I had to look up what “Facta non Verba” meant (I knew I should’ve taken Latin in school!), but you’re right, Actions do speak louder than Words. I like Kimmi’s three questions, and the refrigerator seems like a great place for visual repetition.
17 February, 2010 at 8:28 pm
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17 February, 2010 at 8:47 pm
How true. I find myself watching what I say( especially while driving!) more and more, and trying to remember that I am modelling behavior that my children will follow more now than ever when they were little, now as teen agers, they are learning about the people they will be. As the age of driver’s permits grows closer, I catch myself driving in ways that would not be good for them to emulate. Sometimes its hard to let it all go, but teaching them how to deal with unpleasent people and situations is very important.
17 February, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Wow! I want to print this off to share! I know that I know this, but reading your words again really resonates with me. It reminds me to be kind and less judgmental to all. More like Corinthians 13, less like me. Thank you for your wonderful post! May the Lord bless you this day.
17 February, 2010 at 9:54 pm
This is a lovely and important post. I guess as parents we have to model right intention and compassion if that is what we want for the world our children live in. We can’t just TELL them what to do and how to feel. Oh, how hard this work can be!
17 February, 2010 at 9:54 pm
My eldest daughter is seven and has now had a couple of visits with a psychologist for her anxiety. Your post seems relevent and timely. I have read your blog for a while now and have often thought what a beautiful and engaged mother you seem. It has even caused me to think that perhaps I should have stopped after my first to really concentrate on getting it all right before having any more. BUt I have four and like you my bedside table has the mound of parenting books.
I will certainly take onboard what you have said. I try to be kind and encouraging to my children but perhaps I do show my irritation at other areas in my life.
How is Abby now? What did you find helpful?
And an aside, living in Toowoomba we miss your posts from Brisbane. Loved seeing Brisbane as shown through your beautiful photos. Also love Anne of Green Gables.
18 February, 2010 at 2:03 am
I have been thinking about this so much lately. Sometimes important ideas seem to repeat themselves (in newspaper articles, moving quotes from books or movies, and of course, well-written blog posts). I think the most challenging thing about being a parent is the gap between our words and actions.
18 February, 2010 at 5:43 am
Hello Lily! I am so glad that you visited my blog and I have now found yours. I have enjoyed only this first page for now, but oh so much loveliness! All that you share in this post is so beautiful. Your words and your handwork too.
As I went down I admired your quilt, but then when I got to your curtain I was extra excited, I started rambling to my husband about how those are some of the most wonderful doilies that I have ever seen. The turquoise and yellow one! And then I saw that you embroidered around them too… I really love them :)
Looking forward to visiting again!
18 February, 2010 at 7:05 am
Thank you so much for sharing this! I find myself floating over me in traffic/ other irritating situations and trying to take note of what I am saying while the little ears in the back seat are fully tuned in. A work in progress as always. Thank you so much for this lovely reminder!